oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
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I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
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did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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