If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
