and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
