are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Someone came in the potted fern
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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