You're so nebulous sometimes
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
