Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
