and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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