if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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