you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
