Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
