I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
