Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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