I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
