I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
