how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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