omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
