my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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