She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
