Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
