as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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