Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
