I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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