You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
