Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
