I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
