Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I want to have your abortion
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Randomize
