The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
