I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
