I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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