is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
