He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
