I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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