I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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