just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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