somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize