Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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