just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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