we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
They are going to name an STD after you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
