Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
