Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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