At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
