mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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