New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
