just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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