Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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