On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
two words...techno handjob
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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