Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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