Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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