he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
