my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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