How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
