Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
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Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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