The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
